10 Ways to Know You’re Raising Heathens

July 22nd, 2019


Always naked.


You can never post the best pics of them on Instagram because, see above.


When the swim instructor gives a general warning not to pee in the water, your children look at you in utter confusion because this goes against everything they’ve ever been told.


When they are playing inside and they have to pee, they go outside.


When you tell them not to drink bathwater, they find a loophole like “This is actually faucet water; it just fell in the tub.”


They don’t like salad or lettuce but they’ll munch on clover and miner’s lettuce from the yard all the livelong day. They also love eating dandelions.


To them, storytime means doing gymnastics and humming while someone reads fruitlessly in the corner. They do not seem to be paying attention at all, but if that someone tries to stop reading, they yell, “READ!!” Then go back to what they were doing.


Response to slick rocks at swimming hole is to run, gleefully, impervious to parental terror screams.


Their comfort zone is “filthy.”


This is how they eat ice cream:



What I’m eating:

Brunch at the Four Columns in Newfane VT — sublime

What I’m watching:

Fleabag. Two words: hot priest.

What I’m reading:

Finally, Bel Canto, a book that’s been sitting on my nightstand for years.

The New Yorker article “Kamala Harris Makes Her Case.”

What I’m listening to:

The 4-part Radiolab series G on eugenics, IQ tests, and human ideas of intelligence. 

What I’m working on:


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3 Responses to “10 Ways to Know You’re Raising Heathens”

  1. Judith Hamilton says:

    Better a Heathen than a Christian, I always say.

  2. David Holstein July 26th says:

    Can’t beat that !!

  3. Thomas Mason says:

    You could have stopped at #4. Mic drop.

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