One of my biggest goals as a parent is to teach my kids that they should always be themselves, never try too hard to fit in, and embrace their weirdness. I picture myself saying things to them like “Everyone is different! Everyone is unique!”
But, they’re not. I mean yes, they are two separate people, but they are identical twins. They literally have the exact same DNA. They are a LOT alike. If I look really hard, I can point out subtle differences. Eliza has a birthmark on her lip, but that’s going to fade over time. The truth is, if they are dressed alike and it’s from the back, I have no idea which is which. One recent early morning, one of the girls came and woke me up in bed, and I picked her up and carried her to the kitchen. I held her in the dawn light while I made coffee and stuff, her head on my shoulder. The entire time, I thought it was Eliza. It turned out to be Phoebe.
Their personalities are similar, too. I search keenly for differences. Phoebe is slightly shyer (right now, anyway). Eliza will go sit on the story-time blanket, but Phoebe hangs back on my lap. Eliza is more daring when it comes to the absolute tallest slide at any park. But Jon says Phoebe has “better climbing technique.” Compared to each other, they’re not exactly alike, but compared to other kids, they are.
They’re both shy. They’re both utterly unafraid of heights. They’re both bananas.
They say the exact same words, the exact same way. This week, they both started saying “yuck” on the exact same day. Fun. Now every time I feed them they say “yucky poopoo” and push the plate away. Great.
As they get older I picture a lot of Animal-Farm-style philosophical conversation about how “everyone is different, but some are more different than others” and how “each person is unique…. ish.” In the meantime, my lame attempt to differentiate them has resulted in these 2 signature hairdos:
It’s a start, right?
Anyway, the truth is that identical twins aren’t exactly alike, even DNA-wise. Epigenetics—the science of how DNA expresses itself, basically (I probably skewered that definition, sorry scientists)—dictates that as they grow older, identical twins grow more different as their DNA is influenced by environmental factors. It’s called “epigenetic drift.”
I can’t wait to see how this drift manifests as they grow older. In the meantime, I will continue to dress them differently (kind of—I’m a Virgo, so they have to complement each other). And I will continue to encourage them to be themselves… together.
