My fellow mom, yogi, and writer Rachel Meyer wrote a very helpful piece for Parent.co about how to move cross-country with toddlers, having just done the same thing herself. I was lucky enough to read an early draft of “15 Things That Lessen the Stress of Moving with Toddlers” to help me prepare for my own major move with 2 ½-year-old twins. I took Rachel’s advice on a few things — having a visual calendar in the weeks leading up to the move, for instance, to give them a sense of anticipation of our new adventure.
Now that I’ve been through it, I know that preparation was both key and totally useless. I told Rachel that I was going to write a companion piece to her article called “Wine Pairings for Moving with Toddlers.” I was just kidding, of course. It should actually be whiskey pairings.
Guys, moving with toddlers sucks. Don’t kid yourself. Be as prepared as you want; it’s going to be hell. And if you have twin toddlers, well, whiskey up. Here are my recommendations for the proper whiskey pairings for moving with twin toddlers.
High West Silver Rye in a highball glass with one cube of ice
For the stressful weeks leading up to the move, when you’re trying to pack and plan and sort and deal, and your kids are both barfing and the sale of your house is up in the air but it’s too late because your plane tickets are already purchased and your house in Vermont rented and THIS IS HAPPENING, PEOPLE. Silver Rye has a nice sharp edge. Let’s be honest; it’s basically tequila.
(High West is one of the good things about Utah)
Small bottle of Jack Daniels in a plastic cup with Diet Coke
For when you give both of your toddlers Dramamine and schedule the flight during their usual nap time, but still they don’t sleep on the plane, and instead spend the duration of the flight obsessively kicking seat in front of them and unbuckling their seatbelt with glee while rubbing their emergency sucker through your hair.
Dewars, lukewarm, straight out of the bottle
When they finally fall asleep during your hectic layover in hot, muggy Chicago as you strap them into their car seats and race at a madcap pace to another terminal at airport rush hour while trying to pick up a bagel to share four ways on the plane, then finally get on your second flight, only to have them perk right up and repeat the antics of the first flight all over again.
Smuggler’s Notch Maple Bourbon
For when you arrive at your brother’s house late that night—a beautiful 19th-century farmhouse in the country that isn’t even remotely toddler-proofed—and surprise! They are still not tired! It’s 1am and they are going to wake up at 5:45, but, deal with it!
(yum)
Moonshine in a really dainty jar
This pairs nicely with week 2 of being in a new place with toddlers who are, of course, sick again, and none of your stuff has arrived, and your internet has been on the fritz, and work is cray, and you’ve been sleeping on the floor, and all your waking hours revolve around doing tick checks.
Joslyn, you have a positively WICKED sense of humor. And now that you’re back in New England, that goes double. Like your toddler twins.
Oh! And may I recommend Saxtons River Distillery, just north of Brat on 30? May be new to you. Since you mention Maple Bourbon.
Thanks!
Ah I so appreciate the tip!!
“…unbuckling their seatbelt with glee while rubbing their emergency sucker through your hair.”
Emergency sucker?!
There is usually a point on your pieces where the words collide to create an image that makes me gleefully fall out of my seat. That was the line.
Yes that’s a thing! Works like a charm every time! (In case you have no idea what I’m talking about — good ol’ fashioned lollipop.) You should try it with your patients.