"Nothing."

A picture I took of the ocean in Big Sur this weekend

Yesterday—the very first day of The Promise of a New & Better Year—I ran into my ex for the first time since we broke up.

Earlier that day, I told a friend that I had a bad feeling that I would run into him that day. I had no reason to think this; just a feeling. 

We had an awkward exchange that I am quite positive neither of us enjoyed at all. He asked me a battery of questions in his typical manic-extroverted fashion. I answered them all with single words in my typical paralyzed introverted deadpan voice. He asked me how I was. I said “Fine.” He asked me what’s new. I said “Nothing.”

Later, when the panic wore off and my heart rate came back to its normal level and the tunnel vision went away, I thought about why I had said “Nothing.” Actually, I’ve been up to a whole fucking lot since we broke up over three years ago. I’ve launched and made successful a freelance writing and editing business that is my sole job. I co-founded Recovering Yogi. I started Creative Truth or Dare. Two days ago I published an e-cookbook that rose to the top of the charts in its category on Amazon within 24 hours and which over 4,000 people have already downloaded.  I’ve finally quit secretly smoking—I can’t even remember the last time I acted out by smoking a cigarette. I don’t drink anymore. I hike all the time (something I never did when we were together and lived in a fourth-floor walkup in San Francisco and didn’t own a car). I’ve been to Thailand by myself. I’ve done a 7-day silent retreat at Spirit Rock. I’ve bought a brand new car. I’ve made really good friends. I’ve lost other friends in the aftermath of le divorce. My life in no way resembles the life I had when he knew me. I’m not the same person at all.

But I said, “nothing,” as if I was.

This morning I was reading a blog post by Sarah Botham about New Year’s Resolutions. (If you like my blog you will love hers. She’s a really good writer.) She wrote about running into an acquaintance and answering the “What have you been up to?” question with that same absolutely untrue “Nothing.” And why? Because that acquaintance wouldn’t really see the value in the types of things Sarah has been up to.

And quite frankly, I guess that’s why I said “nothing” to my ex. The truth is, he never really cared about the things I cared about. He thinks novels are “a waste of time” (they are my salvation). He is a born-and-bred urbanite who rarely spends time out of San Francisco (I grew up in the country and pretty much live for being outside in nature).  He’s vegan (I love to cook with cheese). Even in our heyday, I always felt like his eyes glazed over a little bit when I would tell him about my day. I hated not being able to share things with him that I found interesting. I hated having to pretend that we found the same things exciting. So now, three years after our awful heartbreaking split, I don’t feel like I have any obligation to hold up my end of the conversation. When I said “nothing,” what I meant was, “nothing that is worth sharing with you.”