I have a new business idea, thanks to Michael “Where are my cars keys?” Myers. I’m going to start writing online dating profiles for other people. I’m thinking $150 a pop. This new venture is going to combine my true loves of grammar, voyeurism, and psychologizing complete strangers.
Unfortunately, I myself don’t online date. The problem is, I am wicked honest, like, to a fault, and if I were to online date, my profile would look something like this:
. . . . .
Extremely neurotic, antisocial nihilist looking for someone willing to put up with her. Highly emotional, erratic of mood, prone to teary outbursts. I’m extremely cynical and have debilitating ADD, OCD, SAD, and various other acronymical disorders that I can’t remember right now because my memory is starting to go.
I like to cook, but can’t do two things at once, so please don’t talk to me while I am cooking. I don’t own a TV and refuse to watch or care at all about sports, but I do watch a lot of really bad television on my laptop. And I mean a LOT. I hate bars and dancing, and I don’t drink. I definitely don’t smoke pot. I can’t even take an Ambien without having paranoid delusions, but I do love me a Vicodin. I don’t snowboard, or go to Burning Man, or run Bay to Breakers. In fact, I don’t like crowds or group activities and I especially don’t like costume parties. Don’t ever ask me to go to one. Also, don’t invite me to yoga or to a kirtan chanting event. You’ll be sorry.
I do like to go to the library, and the movies. But I always get to pick the movie unless we just happen to have the same taste.
I never read The Economist, The New York Times, or The New Yorker. Sometimes, though, I read Us Weekly.
I live alone with two cats who I adore to the point of depravity.
Morning people need not apply.
. . . . .
Don’t worry; I’ll make yours sound much more upbeat. If that’s your thing.
You are seriously awesome. Everything you write cracks me up. I likewise abhor costume parties, which is why I would never go to Burning Man, among one hundred other reasons.
Joslyn, Once again you astound me with your creativity and brilliance! This piece is so well-written. This could be me except replace “cats” with “rabbit” and i can’t cook. I know of one local yoga studio (well-known to both you and me) that had a costume Halloween Yoga class. For adults. How would you like to have gone to that?
Julie, I think you know the answer to that question. Shudder.
Hysterical! You should do an experiment, post this on E-Harmony and see if only up and coming Unibombers respond.
See Tom you can understand why I don’t date then, right? Although I do think a guy in a hoody is pretty hot.
and you forget to mention you are gorgeous and hilariously funny.
The first paragraph sounds much like me……and It sounds really bad in writing. Fortunately – or not, I’m not that honest and will never admit to it out loud: )
I’m kind of new to your blog but I love it and look forward to it. Your posts make me laugh are thought provoking.
I started a company that does this in 2005 and know a lot of people who write profiles professionally. Drop me a line if you want to chat.
I know you and love you and I know it’s all true. Yet everyone still wants to hang out with Joslyn. Go figure!