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Way back in February, after my first night of my dharma course at Spirit Rock, I wrote a post about the five hindrances to meditation and how Sloth & Torpor are my particular nemeses. That, sadly, has not changed. Sloth & Torpor (and just plain ugly laziness) continue to hijack my sitting practice on a constant basis.
I can be running around like a crazy anxious freak all day, and the moment I sit in the meditation position, I basically fall over. I know what you’re thinking—that I run myself too ragged and of course I fall asleep when I calm down. But no, that’s not it. Even on the most absurdly indulgent amount of sleep, an adequate but not gratuitous amount of caffeine, and with all the stars and my monthly hormones aligned, it still happens. It happens regardless of time of day, day of week, circumstance, or situation. I try to meditate; I fall asleep.
It’s gotten to the point where the mere suggestion of meditation makes me sleepy. This last week as I was making the long, serene drive up to Woodacre for my evening class, I was heavy lidded at the wheel. I’m pretty sure I was actually asleep for some parts of that drive.
Of course, the moment I leave class and get back in my car, I am wide the freak awake.
I have asked a few of my meditation teachers what they make of it. This is what Frank Berliner had to say: “You’re probably hiding from something.”
Awesome, now my own mind is hiding something from me? That’s just terrific. I feel like I’m going to end up on Oprah one of these days, telling the whole world that I suddenly remembered some horrible event from my childhood that my subconscious has been suppressing all these years, and suing my parents to within an inch of their life.
Mark Coleman calls this aversion “the pleasant coma.” And that’s the problem. It actually is quite pleasant. It’s the same thing that happens to me when I get acupuncture or a massage. Utter and instant slumber. I have been known to sleep through more than one power yoga class.
The problem is, I feel gypped that I don’t get to experience the other hindrances. Just once, I want to spend my meditation session in a state of aversion, or craving, or doubt. Sloth & Torpor is kidnapping my mind.
Or maybe I just have a mild and lingering case of mono?
