Quelle Surprise, Beyonce

July 19th, 2017

I’m displeased with Beyonce, and I have to vent. I know this is not going to be a popular sentiment, but what the hell, Beyonce? Is that what you want them all to think it’s like?

Guys, having twins is not glamorous. A month after “giving birth,” as Beyonce claims she did, one would not be posing in in a flamboyantly styled gown that perfectly frames one’s displayed belly button. And, side note, while my own belly button is definitely not in the same place it used to be, it’s also not, like, sideways. I sincerely hope someone got fired for that. 

Not what a new mom of twins looks like, at all.

Not what a new mom of twins looks like, at all.

But seriously, this picture makes me see red. Aside from the fact that Beyonce looks either sedated or half-asleep, there is nothing about this photo that accurately depicts what it’s like to have one-month-old twins. For instance,

  • Her hair is flawless.
  • Her legs are shiny.
  • She has mascara on.
  • Are those even real babies? Why are they both sleeping at the same time? That’s not a thing.

I hate to sound like your garden-variety humorless feminist here, but when Beyonce puts this image out in the world, it creates a perception that one can give birth to twins and a month later have a flat stomach and sheened thighs and look generally fantastic and put together and not at all on the brink of being committed.

AND MUCH WORSE, it fosters the idea that looking good a month after having twins is something one could or should aspire to. Look, I’m not here to body-shame Beyonce for being hot, and like any wannabe-Millennial, I admire the woman for all of her achievements and her ability to manage her image. These are things that require talent, and Beyonce is a genius. 

I also know that this is Beyonce’s job, that she is in a prison of her own making, and that she was probably literally being propped up by tiny person giving her B-vitamin shots in the butt throughout this entire shoot. Possibly she collapsed and sobbed the moment the shoot was over. Maybe the entire thing never happened, and the whole shebang is one giant miracle of Photoshop. Doesn’t matter. The realities of how this shot were achieved are irrelevant. The fact that it’s out there is the problem.

Motherhood is beautiful, but it’s not beautiful like this. Between Beyonce and George Clooney and Roger Federer, twins are becoming the new Chihuahuas — the season’s must-have accessory. I’m here to tell you, twins are not a chic accessory. They will not add to your glam-factor. They will definitely, definitely do the opposite. They will make you humble. They will make you abandon any last vestige of vanity you ever had. And they will make you not give a crap about looking nice in public or otherwise.

In fact, they will make you go out in public with food someone else already chewed on your shirt, and, knowing this, not really care. (Me, last night, for instance.) 

3.4 million people have given Beyonce’s Instagram post a “like” at this point. I know this terrible attitude of mine is not shared by many. But I do know there are at least a few other twin moms out there thinking, “Thanks a lot, Beyonce.”

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