Ways I Have Taken a Break from My Freelance Writing Today

May 2nd, 2018

This is the face of someone who does not concentrate well.

This is the face of someone who does not concentrate well.

People have a lot of misconceptions about what it’s like to be a full-time freelance writer. There is this assumption that I just magically make money without actually putting in the time, or more appropriately, that I put in the time during magical hours that don’t exist on this plane of reality. If I had a dollar for every time someone tried to talk me into going to hooky-lunch with the plea: “You can just catch up on your work later!” There’s no later. 

On the other hand, those who assume my days are largely unproductive aren’t exactly wrong. Here’s a running list of all (well, some) of the ways I took a break from work today.

1

Made the girls a super nutritious lunch and then watched as they tore it apart with their fingers and flung most of it on the floor, eating just the cream cheese which was supposed to serve simply as glue to hold the vegetables on the bread.

2

Chased Eliza across the yard as she streaked naked toward the woods with zero restraint, just to prove that she has free will after I offhandedly mentioned to the new sitter that “I don’t usually let them play outside naked.” #tickcheck

3

Sorted the burned popcorn from the non-burned popcorn after leaving the pan on high heat while chasing Eliza across the yard. Gave the non-burned popcorn to the girls and ate the burned popcorn with lots of cheese on it.

4

Helped bridge the communication gap between the girls and the new sitter when I overheard the convo where she asked them “which drawer” their underwear is kept in and they acted like they didn’t understand the question because technically, their underwear is kept in a hanging rack in the closet.

5

At least 15 times, picked up a toddler who came barging into my room for a hug and then refused to leave.

6

Started to write about 100 angry tweets and then backspaced because why am I even giving Kanye West’s opinions any attention at all.

7

Cheered myself up by reading 5 to 7 McSweeneys articles.

8

Perused a food blog and then printed out a recipe for “Lemony Broccoli, Chickpea and Pita Sandwiches” even though we don’t have pita bread and I’m not eating flour and the girls won’t eat broccoli and chickpeas mixed together but fuck it, YOLO.

9

Made an outrageously good green smoothie (spinach, frozen mango, frozen young coconut, fresh mint). Poured the leftovers into a mason jar for Jon to take to work. Reminded him to take the smoothie to work. Noticed later that he forgot to take the smoothie to work. Googled “symptoms of ADD in adult males” for the 500th time.

10

Texted an old friend who has definite ADD and confirmed that he usually forgets to bring his lunch to work.

11

Stumbled across the Twitter account of someone I knew peripherally from the yoga world who was kind of a class-A bitch with zero self-awareness and noticed that she is now a practicing psychic medium.

12

Exchanged catty texts with at least three mutual friends about this.

13

Doodled in my #bujo (Not what it sounds like)

14

Wrote this inane blog post.

This is not an exhaustive list by any means.

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