The Awesomely Fascist Food Plan I’m On

I am on a very strict and somewhat joyless food plan by mandate of my acupuncturist, the brilliantly talented Caylie See, L.Ac. of Acupuncture Kitchen in San Francisco. She got sick of my whining about always having a stomachache and decided to fix me. She gave me a 6-page typed-out plan that outlines food suggestions along with things I can’t eat; prohibits me from going near sugar, caffeine, alcohol, dairy, gluten, or nightshade vegetables (among other things); and insists that I get 30 minutes of “quiet time” a day. (My whole life is quiet time, so I checked that one right off.)

Favorite breakfast: cooked leftover yam, blood orange, blueberries, avocado with Bragg’s liquid aminos and turmeric EVOO

I’m not a fan of cleanses, having previously tried all of them — The Master Cleanse (Really? You want me to drink sugar all day long? That doesn’t raise any red flags for you?), the Liver Cleanse, various intestinal cleanses and colonics programs, wheatgrass bootcamp, starvation cleanses, the Type-O diet, Atkins. Not to mention that I excelled at anorexia nervosa for most of my pre-teen years. (There were months in there where I would only eat jellybeans and yogurt. Ask Judith.)

But I trust Caylie, and I was feeling desperate to make a shift, so I promised to acquiesce to her instructions for three months, no questions asked. So far? It’s been awesome.

For starters, getting off caffeine is one of the most empowering first world activities one can undertake. I am sleeping like a lamb these days. Cutting sugar out of my life has been hard, but rewarding. I feel lots better. Although, I crave strange things, like butterscotch pudding. And it’s kind of sad that the way I indulge these days is a $6 pressed green juice that I can drink in under a minute.

All in all, the shiz is working. Who knew that all I had to do to get rid of my stomachaches was stop eating almost everything, get off black tea, choke down Chinese herbs that taste like dirt three times a day, swallow billions of microscopic probiotics every morning, trek an hour each way to get acupuncture once a week, and drink so much water that I need a catheter? No probs.

Just to be really clear, this fascist food plan I’ve been on since January 1^st has nothing to do with New Year’s Resolutions. My New Year’s Resolution — in keeping with my philosophy of only making New Year’s Resolutions that I would already be doing anyway, was to see more movies this year. I’m doing pretty great at that. I’ve seen almost everything that’s worth seeing in the theaters right now, and some of the things twice.